Amanda Grace Phaneuf was born in Worcester, MA on December 04, 2007. She is much loved and will always be remembered by all her friends and family.
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Amanda was diagnosed at 20 weeks with a chromosome disorder called Triploidy. Her father and I were told that she was incompatible with life and was probably going to pass in the next few weeks. However she proved the doctors wrong and was with us for 14 more weeks!! That is why she got her nickname, Amazing Grace. The doctors could not figure out why she was still living. My husband and I felt her kicks frequently and for a while I thought maybe the doctors were wrong. Maybe Amanda would come out as healthy as could be! However on December 3, 2007 after not feeling Amanda's movements for a week I decided to call the doctor. Our worst fears were confirmed...Amanda's heart had stopped beating. I was induced that night and delivered our beautiful baby girl on Tuesday December 4, 2007 at 7:52 am. She was 1 pound, 11 ounces, and 13 inches long. She was perfect!! All ten toes and fingers, a nose like mommy and a precious little mouth. Even though we never got to meet her alive, the day that we got to spend with her will always be remembered as one of the best days of my life. I got to hold Amanda all day and show her how much I loved her. I know she is looking down on us from Heaven, I can feel her Spirit. We miss her so much, and she will never be forgotten.
Amanda Grace had her grave site service today at 11:15 am at the Rural Cemetery in Southborough, MA. Father James Flynn from St. Matthews Church was the priest who said the service. She was surrounded by so many of our loving family members and friends.
Today was ironically National Child Remembrance Day. Every second Sunday in December is designated to remember children who have passed by lighting a candle at 7pm. We lit three candles in memory of Amanda Grace Phaneuf, our beautiful little girl!
Hi Jessica,
I wanted to share this with you! I'm so sorry for the lost of your precious baby girl. I know exactly how you are feeling. Please know you are not alone. Despite our distance, I hope that this will be a start of new friendship as we share with each other a grief only a mother can ever know of losing their babies. I'm sorry you had to experience this too!
"Waves and Ripples"
I was told to expect tidal waves of sadness, pain and grief. I was told the waves will come and go, and so far this has held true.
The tidal waves are strong, hitting with no warning. The waves nearly drown me in sorrow and tears, pulling me down with tremendous force. Tumbling under the heavy waves, unable to breathe or see, I am just trying to survive.
The tears flow fast and hard. The sorrow almost unbearable. I ride this wave until somehow, I am spit out on the shore. My body and soul shaken and battered. I am exhausted, hardly able to stand. But I survived. It had nothing to do with strength, only raw survival.
After the wave passes, another wave comes along, but this one is of hope and peace. The wave of hope and peace is much smaller, more of a gentle ripple than a wave. This ripple enters my heart and I feel peace. My eyes so red and blurry, can see again. My body so weary and tired, can move again. My breath comes easier. I can smile and even laugh. The weight of my pain and sorrow is a little lighter.
There is some guilt that comes with the ripple of peace and hope. The guilt that creeps in after a good laugh. The guilt of enjoying the company of friends. I hate the guilt.
Then the cycle repeats. The tidal wave of tears and pain striking without warning. The small ripple of peace and hope. Then guilt. Over and over and over.
I hope that one day the ripples will stay longer and waves not so large. I hope one day, the guilt will bury itself and not be felt. Today I will continue to survive the waves of pain and float on the ripples of peace.
Your New Friend In Christ,
Anna-Lizza
Today we brought a Christmas decoration for the grave site! It is also a temporary marker until we can get a permanent one in for the Spring!
Today we planted a Pink Flowering Dogwood tree in memory of Amanda! Every year it will bloom with pretty pink flowers, and it will be beautiful just like our daughter!
Today Amanda's marker was put in! It's beautiful, and a great tribute to her memory. I can't wait to plant flowers around it!!
One year ago today was the day we found out we were pregnant. We were so surprised and so excited! Today is a bittersweet day.
Today we planted flowers at Amanda's grave. It is a beautiful memorial. We miss you Amanda!
Today we walked in memory of Amanda Grace. What a beautiful service they had, they read Amanda's name aloud as well as 300 other angels names that left too soon. There was a minister/speaker there who out of all those people came over to speak with me. She gave a wonderful speech and used a white glove as a prop. After she was done speaking, she handed the white glove to me. I now realize and truley believe that Amanda was contacting me through this woman and the glove was a gift from Amanda. It was a sad and emotional day, but an event that we plan on doing annually to remember and celebrate our daughter's brief life.
Adam and I had a lot of activities planned to celebrate Amanda's brief life. We both took the day off to spend together remembering Amanda. We had a mass said for Amanda at church which was quite emotional, followed by breakfast. We then went to Babies R Us to buy some blankets and clothes to donate to the bereavement program at the hospital. We went and bought birthday balloons as well for our balloon release. Adam and I started off with three balloons to release however one of our cats got a hold of one and had a little too much fun with it, so we were left with two balloons! We each wrote a message to her on one and the other just said Happy Birthday. We went to her gravesite to deliver her Christmas baskets and a pink heart balloon. We then went to Hopkinton State Park to release our balloons into the sky. One made it up high and the other got caught in the trees, it was a bit windy!! We made our way to the hospital next to deliver our donation, they were very grateful. Next we went to see the ultrasound technician and genetic counselor who had sent us flowers, we wanted to thank them. To our surprise Nancy asked if we wanted a quick ultrasound of AJ so of course we said yes! All looks well, thanks to Amanda! We ended the evening with dinner and a birthday cake for Amanda. It was a very memorable day, bittersweet, but a family day that we plan on making a yearly tradition. Happy Birthday Amanda!! We love and miss you so much!
Amanda Phaneuf was born on December 04, 2007 in Worcester, MA.
Amanda Grace had her grave site service today at 11:15 am at the Rural Cemetery in Southborough, MA. Father James Flynn from St. Matthews Church was the priest who said the service. She was surrounded by so many of our loving family members and friends.
Today was ironically National Child Remembrance Day. Every second Sunday in December is designated to remember children who have passed by lighting a candle at 7pm. We lit three candles in memory of Amanda Grace Phaneuf, our beautiful little girl!
Hi Jessica,
I wanted to share this with you! I'm so sorry for the lost of your precious baby girl. I know exactly how you are feeling. Please know you are not alone. Despite our distance, I hope that this will be a start of new friendship as we share with each other a grief only a mother can ever know of losing their babies. I'm sorry you had to experience this too!
"Waves and Ripples"
I was told to expect tidal waves of sadness, pain and grief. I was told the waves will come and go, and so far this has held true.
The tidal waves are strong, hitting with no warning. The waves nearly drown me in sorrow and tears, pulling me down with tremendous force. Tumbling under the heavy waves, unable to breathe or see, I am just trying to survive.
The tears flow fast and hard. The sorrow almost unbearable. I ride this wave until somehow, I am spit out on the shore. My body and soul shaken and battered. I am exhausted, hardly able to stand. But I survived. It had nothing to do with strength, only raw survival.
After the wave passes, another wave comes along, but this one is of hope and peace. The wave of hope and peace is much smaller, more of a gentle ripple than a wave. This ripple enters my heart and I feel peace. My eyes so red and blurry, can see again. My body so weary and tired, can move again. My breath comes easier. I can smile and even laugh. The weight of my pain and sorrow is a little lighter.
There is some guilt that comes with the ripple of peace and hope. The guilt that creeps in after a good laugh. The guilt of enjoying the company of friends. I hate the guilt.
Then the cycle repeats. The tidal wave of tears and pain striking without warning. The small ripple of peace and hope. Then guilt. Over and over and over.
I hope that one day the ripples will stay longer and waves not so large. I hope one day, the guilt will bury itself and not be felt. Today I will continue to survive the waves of pain and float on the ripples of peace.
Your New Friend In Christ,
Anna-Lizza
Today we brought a Christmas decoration for the grave site! It is also a temporary marker until we can get a permanent one in for the Spring!
Today we got new pictures of our baby girl! She is so precious and beautiful!
Today we planted a Pink Flowering Dogwood tree in memory of Amanda! Every year it will bloom with pretty pink flowers, and it will be beautiful just like our daughter!
Today Amanda's marker was put in! It's beautiful, and a great tribute to her memory. I can't wait to plant flowers around it!!
One year ago today was the day we found out we were pregnant. We were so surprised and so excited! Today is a bittersweet day.
Today we planted flowers at Amanda's grave. It is a beautiful memorial. We miss you Amanda!
Today we walked in memory of Amanda Grace. What a beautiful service they had, they read Amanda's name aloud as well as 300 other angels names that left too soon. There was a minister/speaker there who out of all those people came over to speak with me. She gave a wonderful speech and used a white glove as a prop. After she was done speaking, she handed the white glove to me. I now realize and truley believe that Amanda was contacting me through this woman and the glove was a gift from Amanda. It was a sad and emotional day, but an event that we plan on doing annually to remember and celebrate our daughter's brief life.
Adam and I had a lot of activities planned to celebrate Amanda's brief life. We both took the day off to spend together remembering Amanda. We had a mass said for Amanda at church which was quite emotional, followed by breakfast. We then went to Babies R Us to buy some blankets and clothes to donate to the bereavement program at the hospital. We went and bought birthday balloons as well for our balloon release. Adam and I started off with three balloons to release however one of our cats got a hold of one and had a little too much fun with it, so we were left with two balloons! We each wrote a message to her on one and the other just said Happy Birthday. We went to her gravesite to deliver her Christmas baskets and a pink heart balloon. We then went to Hopkinton State Park to release our balloons into the sky. One made it up high and the other got caught in the trees, it was a bit windy!! We made our way to the hospital next to deliver our donation, they were very grateful. Next we went to see the ultrasound technician and genetic counselor who had sent us flowers, we wanted to thank them. To our surprise Nancy asked if we wanted a quick ultrasound of AJ so of course we said yes! All looks well, thanks to Amanda! We ended the evening with dinner and a birthday cake for Amanda. It was a very memorable day, bittersweet, but a family day that we plan on making a yearly tradition. Happy Birthday Amanda!! We love and miss you so much!
Well I can't believe it's been a year already since we saw Amanda. I don't know how we made it through. Adam and I had such a 'nice' anniversary day today. We had a mass said for Amanda at church which was quite emotional, followed by breakfast. We then went to Babies R Us to buy some blankets and clothes to donate to the bereavement program at the hospital. We went and bought birthday balloons as well for our balloon release. Adam and I started off with three balloons to release however one of our cats got a hold of one and had a little too much fun with it, so we were left with two balloons! We each wrote a message to her on one and the other just said Happy Birthday. We went to her gravesite to deliver her Christmas baskets and a pink heart balloon. We then went to Hopkinton State Park to release our balloons into the sky. One made it up high and the other got caught in the trees, it was a bit windy!! We made our way to the hospital next to deliver our donation, they were very grateful. Next we went to see the ultrasound technician and genetic counselor who had sent us flowers, we wanted to thank them. To our surprise Nancy asked if we wanted a quick ultrasound of AJ so of course we said yes! All looks well, thanks to Amanda! We ended the evening with dinner and a birthday cake for Amanda. It was a very memorable day, bittersweet, but a family day that we plan on making a yearly tradition. We will never forget Amanda, she will always be in our hearts and minds forever. Happy Birthday Amanda, we love and miss you so much!!
Well today I am feeling very vulnerable. Instead of being excited about the approaching holidays, I feel anxious and scared as to how I will feel during them. Technically this should be Amanda's first Thanksgiving and Christmas, and instead we are celebrating alone. It is so painful to see everyone with their complete families, smiling, happy and whole. I will never have that....there will always be someone missing in my family pictures. I keep thinking that Amanda should be here, living life with us...I don't know how I am going to get through the next few weeks.
This would have been Amanda's first Halloween. I thought I would be ok as this isn't a real holiday. However I kept thinking of how fun it would have been to find a cute costume and bring her around to everyone. I wonder what she would have been...
I can't believe it has been one year since my life has been changed forever. I remember so vividly walking into that hospital, Adam and I so excited to see our baby on the screen...then it all came crashing down upon us. Silence...more silence from the ultrasound technician until we heard the words "I'm going to go get the high rish doctor..." I will never forget those words. Or these ones "Your baby is not compatible with life...you will need to decide if you want to terminate this pregnancy..." What a day from hell that was. All of our dreams were flipped upside down that day and from that moment on I will never be the same.
We miss you so much Amanda, not a day goes by that I don't think about you and what it would have been like to hold you right now. I'd give anything to be able to fix everything. We love you so much!
Ironically we have our second child's ultrasound tomorrow Aug. 25th, I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared as hell to learn if this baby is healthy. I want to believe he/she is but after our traumatic experience with Amanda I wonder everyday if the baby is still alive.
Please watch over your little brother or sister Amanda, mommy needs you more then ever right now!
Well today we found out we are pregnant with Amanda's brother or sister. Please lets hope this little one arrives safely to us. Watch over us Amanda!!
One year ago today we found out we were pregnant. We were so surprised and so excited! Tommorrow is Mother's Day, I will be away in Philly for my Mike's graduation, a good distraction. I know I am still a mother but it hurts to know I am a mother without her child. Mother's Day should have been a joyous day, instead I will be thinking about all the 'should have beens.' This is just not fair....
Today Amanda's marker was put in! It's beautiful, and a great tribute to her memory. I can't wait to plant flowers around it!! It's funny, I almost feel as though this is Amanda's Mother's Day gift to me.
Today we planted a Pink Flowering Dogwood tree in memory of Amanda! Every year it will bloom with pretty pink flowers, and it will be beautiful just like our daughter!
Well its time for happiness, new life, flowers, birds, bees and of course babies. Everyone is so happy around me about life, the sun is shining down on them. However I don't feel that sunshine and don't know when I ever will. I just keep thinking about all the fun things Amanda and I would have done in this beautiful weather. I am missing out on so many things. It's so hard to be a mother without your child. I miss Amanda so much and I long to hold her again. This is just not fair.
Well today would have been Amanda's first Easter. I was very sad today thinking about how nice it would have been to go shopping for an Easter dress and showing her off to everyone. Seeing all the babies in church was very tough. I only hope I will survive this time in my life.
Today Amanda would have been one month old if things were different. However we got a gift instead of her...her beautiful pictures from the day she was born! She is such a beautiful angel!
Today would have been Amanda's first family outing for her great grandmothers 86th birthday! Instead I am feeling very sad today thinking about how she will never be here with me to celebrate family events. I know she will be with me in spirit but it just isn't the same. I miss her so much...
As a new year begins I am feeling very sad and I miss Amanda very much. This was supposed to be the year that she was born and it was going to be a very joyous time for us all. Instead I am left feeling empty and wishing things were so very different. I only hope 2008 brings us peace and comfort as we remember Amanda always.
I started to build my Tribute to Amanda Phaneuf today.
Amanda would have been turning one today. She was due on January 13, 2008 and this would have been such a joyous day for us. Despite these sad feelings, I am also feeling a sense of accomplishment. I have made it through my first year without Amanda. No more "This would have been Amanda's first ______." I don't know how I have survived this first year but I have done it, and I am almost relieved. Going forward I will of course never forget about my beautiful daughter but the raw emotions will hopefully be less. I will be able to think of Amanda without crying as much and think of her as my personal angel who is watching over me and with me every day. This past year has been one of the hardest years I have and hopefully ever will have to experience. I feel as though I have grown through my grieving and have a deeper understanding and appreciation for life and what truely is important. Amanda has showed me how strong I am as a person, and has given me a deeper sense of compassion towards others who have traveled this tragic road of grief. I hope to someday help others who have suffered like me, so that they know they are not alone. I also want to thank Amanda for watching over her little brother AJ who is expected to arrive any day now. It will be bittersweet as I will long to hold both my children in my arms together. However I know someday I will be reunited with Amanda and that wish will come true. Until then I will carry on keeping Amanda in my heart and mind, and keeping her memory alive to others that love her as well. We miss and love you Amanda!